Could Have Asked If She Came Here Often

Tuesday morning. Craving a biscuit I went to the cafeteria. In the distance a beautiful apparition crossed the hall to the cafeteria ahead of me. When I too entered the apotheosis of beauty stood before me. Her delicate body was subtly dressed but it was her hair, black and silky, seduced me. Her opulent tresses were pulled from the sides and drawn back by how I do not remember. I was enraptured. But then instinct took hold and readied me to look away should she - even for a second - make the slightest motion of turning around when she'd see me in a mesmeric state. I walked away to the short line to acquire the prized biscuit.

With my diminished prize in hand, I approached the clerk where she approached the same clerk from the other side. Oh what a beautiful face, so beautiful I could never identify her, it's effect, so radiant, my mind's eye is now blind from the sun into which I stared too long. She paid first and I second. As I paid for my dismal item she seemed to wait a beat before proceeding. Was it for me - to ensure our rendezvous? The thought both excited and frightened me, rendering my cataleptic.

Behind her again I cowardly waited for her to retrieve a knife fork and napkin, after which I took mine. She set off for the elevator and I for the office. As I ate the salty, bland biscuit I reminisced my close encounter with what would have been if only I had said something. Anything! So simple it is to say "hi" but it would have been easier to touch the sun without recoil. I'm desperately tempted to sit and wait for her every morning but if I do see her again? (run!) What would I say? (don't, run!)

How Should I Feel About Them?

In the cafe
Sipping delicious coffee
Chair is cold
People talking
I am in what?
Torment or Comfort?

A Weekend Is Too Good A Thing To Waste

Been fighting headaches Friday and Saturday, couldn't do much or concentrate. I feel awful about it, can only blame genetics. I was careful not to eat improper food to instigate the headaches... I'm certain it was not what I ate. Had plans to go out on Saturday with a Meetup or two - maybe that's what set it off because now, as I write and the opportunity has passed, I'm feeling better. 

Just read a paper from UC Berkeley on migraine triggers and they say not only is stress a migraine trigger, but also is stress letdown - i.e. ending projects, weekends, vacations, etc. I don't feel stressed at work so this can't be, can it? If anything I'd feel stressed about going out with people in the group. Also on Thurs. and Friday, the days prior to the headaches, I ate corn chips, though corn is not a common trigger, I’ll try to keep this on my radar and see if headaches closely follow corn intake. The salsa I made was just peppers, onion, olive oil, avocado, and spice - all I’ve found are safe for me as I often eat these, but rarely do I eat corn.

I was going to go see "A Girl Walks Home At Night", a vampire movie by an Irani director. Wanted to see the late showing to use the nighttime to maybe get into the movie a little more, but the headache was too great to read subtitles. Also thought about going to / volunteering for Beer, Bacon, and Burlesque, but I couldn't find who my "volunteering" benefitted - was I volunteering for the micro-breweries? Was it some hidden charity that was best not to divulge? Very odd - the organizers could have drawn more attention if they said something about who the event, or my volunteering, benefitted. I had to assume the micro-breweries.

Totally obsessed with my weight and gut over the past week. I can feel the jingle from time to time. Really need to get under 160 lbs. again, a matter of 10 pounds. Seriously thinking of using miles to go to Denver for a day and eat some weed, last time I did I lost 7 lbs. in 10 days. Desperate to try that again. What's the risk anyways?

Was hoping that if I ended TV reception, Hulu, and Streaming Netflix I’d get back to the computer (drawing, writing, etc.) but this has failed. I've been watching more DVDs and found a YouTube series h+. Need to focus on why I liked doing these creative things before this one-year funk. Maybe if I just force myself to draw something I’ll remember why.

Really want to get off the computer and read some. Short stories by Guy du Maupassant are getting better, if the stories are in chronological order of his career, it's showing. Stories now have a less abrupt ending.

Ps. Gogol Bordello is coming to town in March, dare I go?

No Colorado Snow and Smoke

Desperately missing Colorado. Not that I ever skied a whole lot nor did the weed (just a couple times), but both are all I can think about now. Last snowfall in NC was Dec 9, about 1" worth. So go there if you want to ski on packed crushed ice. Need the weed to lose the extra weight. last time did the weed I lost 7lbs in 10 days, hoping to replicate the miracle. Too bad I don't know anyone in CO (and I lived there for 13 years!) Maybe there'll be some airfare deals - but that's a lot to spend. Tried to ask the guys at Tobacco Brew and Chew but they just laughed, "don't" know where one can get it. Probably not good idea to ask them when at work. Looking at them, they look like typical tokers.

Keeping my eyes open for acts in Nash clubs for musicians that are interesting. there's a sever lack of variety in the Nash music scene - 99% of the music played is country pop, bluegrass, or Mumford and Sons sound-a-likes. Gag me with a mike.

Work was ok, but give people some freedom and they don't follow through with their responsibilities. I came up with a KPI and all accepted it and they also said they want to be accountable and fully responsible for their jobs. We will see as I will stop helping (unless only if they ask for it) them. I give them so many tools and make work so easy but they don't take advantage of the ease at which technology benefits them.

Netfilx streaming ended today. All's left is internet, 1 DVD at a time, and the DVD library. Beginning to feel the boredom but the boredom is beginning to reignite my beloved characters I’ve created (Professor Pinkin, The Skin-Flynts, etc.) Have some great live comedy ideas but damn, how do I go out and do it? I'll come up with a whole series and see if things change in the future.

Match.com totally sucks. they keep pairing me up with child-havers and child-wanters. Jesus. I said no kids is a must! Fix your GD algorithm. I love kids, they are great, but don't want to live the nuclear family lifestyle - it's already been done to death. Don't want those chains - just the one of a girl who will travel with me or at times we travel without the other. being away for periods of time remind us of how desperately we "need" our lovers around.

Have a simple idea for a Fun with Grampa toon. I'll draw it and post it soon. It isn't wrong or sick to fall in love with a creation, regardless of its inanimacy, is it? Perhaps Dickens fell in love with Scrooge when he wrote Scrooge's story; or Jack London when he wrote Buck's story. So my creations are toons, what, really, is the difference? Why should I feel guilty for endearing them?

Jan 2/3

Did not do a whole lot yesterday - but I did find myself cleaning up the apartment as I was less distracted than usual. Found myself watching episodes of Dark Mirror. Very good work. Will watch season 2 this week.

Football game is on now but I miss watching it less than I expected. Will throw away or donate digital antenna this week. Hulu account cancelled. Left with Netflix and Internet - finding myself more choosy when determining what to watch (more documentaries). Making sure I don't rewatch old episodes. One view is all I am allowed. Trying to go into mindset that this is the only time I'll every see it so I need to remember every detail.

Spend some time online trying to find good concert venues in Nashville. Very small selection if you don't want to see Country Pop or Bluegrass.

Will try to remember to see if I can begin scheduling appts with Psychologist to talk about the stuff in my mind - talking about it should help me focus my thoughts for purposes of posting these thoughts to the blog. Will record every session so not to miss any detail.

Necessity the Mother of Invention

Did great artists/writers find it necessary to entertain themselves? Their works that we read or view today were less a means of financial support and more a means to entertain one's self? As I feed myself less stimuli, I find myself rethinking all the projects I never began.

2015

Please forgive me as this post will seem unfocused but i've got to start on this now. My brain is clouded and anxious, having trouble focusing enough to elaborate on my thoughts.

One thing I've been thinking about is how a few select books, music, art have withstood the test of time. What makes these so great? Talent and dedication have almost everything to do with it. But look back to the 1800's to now and see all the distractions we have. You used to have to go out for a distraction, but now they all reside within our homes. Would Charles Dickens have been as great or as dedicated if his distractions were always withing arm's reach? I think not. How do I apply this to myself - so that I do not lose sight of my desires and turn on the TV? It's time to let go of the most distractive of distractions? Time to let go the 52" flat screen TV and watch sports at the bar? It's a spectacular thought when you consider that going to the bar is more expensive, but I don't expect "barring" it up on a daily basis, as I've often found myself doing with the TV. Time to retire it.

But what if i do. what will become of me, will i do what i want, or fall further into a stupor, or sleep all the time, or worse? It's scary to think that all i may learn is that i'm a sloth, a do-nothing. What if that revelation? What do i do then? What would be the point of living? To go on as i have been?

So without the TV, i'm bound to be succomed with boredom, am i not? What if my subconscious, my creativity, my desires are loosed? What then? Write more? Draw more? Learn the harmonica? Learn a new language? My gods, what will the four nerds do if i'm not there to rewatch their reruns?

Destined for the graveyard too are the dinner table (i never use it), my bedroom furniture (who needs it? and it's so big - i feel that the Brobdingnagianism of it overcomes me as i imagine moving it from apartment to apartment. I'ts much too big, anyways, since a two-bedroom apartment seems like soooo much - soooo much unused space, what's the point of having all those square feet if only to vacuum it? This spring i expect to move into a small 1-bedroom or studio apartment/condo. if the latter, i'll definitely need to sell the bed cabinets.