To What End?

I was on XBox again, my daily effort to quiet the mind - like when a parent turns on a TV to quiet the child, to suppress my thoughts (which instigate anxiety), to forget about all that I haven't accomplished today.

As i was playing the numbness faded, I asked - what am I doing? Sometimes I fixate on the question for there is no answer, and the anxiety swells until I flog myelf - either by repeated slapping my bare belly until it or my hands hurt too much, or by beating my chest with my fists, knuckles driven into the muscle. This time I didn't beat my self but asked for the first time - "to what end?" To what end am I playing this game? To what end am I farming a new set of armor in the hope to eek out a few more dps? And if i do, then what? And then I looked back on my job - to what end do I put up with a juvenile boss, living in a state that does not fully accompany my outdoors activity desires? To what end am I living here in the DMV area?

Jim Carrey once said that if you are going to fail, fail at something you live? But the crush of failure is 10 times worse than at something you don't, isn't it? And if I fail at something I love, how do I restrain from suicide (never far from my thoughts)? Sometimes i feel I'm living my suicide - a slow, painful suicide of many decades. Maybe it's time to jump off the bridge.